new spirit and goal

I have not much time left here....I have to focus on my study....now it is the time for me to catch up and speed up with things that I left behind..I hope I can finish next year...Ya Allah, please help me...give me strength to face all this.
For the past one year....I've been taking care of others more than I care for myself...no wonder I almost thinking of quiting my phd because at one time I can' t take it anymore...too many distractions and a heavy responsibility to fulfill...
If they know me...they will know that I am the kind of person that will do anything for the one I love...I will sacrifice my time and energy for the one I love....just because I tak tahan to see them suffer or semuanya utk memudahkan mereka....I don't ask for any favour return...just understand my situation that I only have 2 hands and one body ...and I also have other responsibilities that sometimes I put aside just because of them..I always have this 'takpe' kind of attitude...mengalah pada yg lain...but in the end...sendiri yg susah jgk..takpela..Allah maha pengasih dan penyayang...Dia juga maha adil...I always have strong faith that anything good that we do...insyaAllah Allah balas yg baik2 juga...
too much time past by without me focusing on my studies...I am more focus to my family...cuti...dan cuti...for the past one year...I travelled a lot...to see the one I loved....to accompany the one I love....to be whatever they want me to be...so many decisions yg kdg2 it's not me who make the choice...terlalu byk dipengaruhi yg lain...but it's my fault who always obeyed to other's word..
So starting from now, I want to erase the 'holiday' for a while from my head....no more travelling until end of this year...I must be strong on this...if they want to see me....they have to come here..because I am dealing with my future....I have to be firm this time....it's ok to be selfish sometimes....
ok now, it's time to work! :-)

They have spoken

The decision has been made. Three against one. Of course la the majority win. Well, I guess I have to give up my passion to futsal. It's ok. Maybe sudah ditakdirkan yg aku tak main futsal kat sini. Byk masa lagi. Kalau larat besok, balik malaysia bole main dgn kawan2. Cuma bsk dah balik makin tua. Larat ke? And I think futsal tak sesuai utk golongan isteri dan ibu2. Hehe. Yela, kasar main dia. But believe me, once you try it, you're gonna love it. It is so much fun! I feel free and alive..and young. I know that it will be quite possible for me to play futsal in Malaysia. Oh well, we'll see about that later on.
It's just that I am a bit sad for letting this go...where I have the only opportunity...to do something good in my life..to be active..to socialize...to polish my skills in sports...to do something that I never had a chance during my schooldays (which is playing sports)....to represent the state ( I know my contribution is small but for me it is a good achievement)..I guess..people just don't see it the way I see it...and how bad I want to prove to myself that I can do this and I can be active in sports...
I guess I just stick to kaki bangku jek la...

professional or selfish?

Last Friday I had so much fun playing futsal. This is my 2nd time. The first one is the fun one as we played it wearing a 'sarong'. hehe. Itu sukaneka. This time, I joined the team who are going to represent ACT in the NCG somewhere this year. I think it will be in July, Venue: Sydney. Only 9 girls turned up. I wanted to play this sport for a long time. Only had a chance here. However, one thing that makes me uncomfortable is the coach. I knew him. The fact that I know the 'truth' about this guy, makes me think twice to join the team again for the next practice. Diibaratkan diluah mati emak, ditelan mati bapak.
My husband and my mom advised me to quit. No more futsal! But I know deep down inside I want to play this sport as I enjoyed it soooo much. I can act normally. Neither him. Though both of us know what is the real deal. We're just being professional. Personal things must be put aside.
I want to play again but somehow I feel guilty to certain people (besides my mum and hubby). It's like that I am not supportive towards them or just being selfish to my needs. Well, you might say it is just a game. Well, for me, I am not that active who can play all type of sports.
I hope I can make a good decision out of this. Well, either me or somebody else has to sacrifice.

Having a baby

Out of nowhere, while doing my microscopy yesterday, I was thinking of trying to conceive before I finish my studies. Yes, I want to have a child. I've been married for 3 years ++ already. Due to the distance, mentality unstable, financial problem etc we have decided to have baby when I finish my studies (my husband is also a student when we get married). But since there are so many things happened that obscured my PhD journey, I can wait no longer. I will be too old then to have the first child (Maybe I am self-concious about the age). I must have child before I turn 30. SO next year is the year to do it. Hopefully next year, I can finish my studies on time. I hope that I can finish all the lab works by end of this year so that I only do write up in the last semester. I am a bit worried about the radiation from the microscope (which is I am not sure how it will affect my baby- must go check this out) as I've been working a lot with it.
It is good that my husband is already back in Malaysia. He will start his career soon and that will help in our financial situation.
The thing that worried me the most is my emotion. Can I take all the pressure by myself? Can I go through all the mom-to-be journey alone without husband by my side? I've been through it before. I don't like it. I had misscarriaged once. I was 3 months pregnant at that time. But back then I was too young and too dependant. I think I have evolved to a different person now. I can be independent, I am more stronger and more rational when dealing with my emotions, I am more active, more matured, and dare to try new things by myself now. Two years living abroad makes me a different person. A lot of things have changed. I am more confident with myself now.
It won't be so bad as I am planning to go back and forth while writing my thesis. But then, I am afraid it will affect the baby if I am travelling too much. It will be 8 hours flight and not only that. I have to take domestic flight too before going back to Malaysia. I have to take into accounts all of these matters.
Whatever it is, to start with, I have to make sure that my husband quit smoking. I want to have a healthy baby, a healthy husband and a healthy life. Next, I have to make sure I do all my work and finish it on time. It is time to get serious again. I want to be home as soon as possible and settling down with my husband. Have our own home, raising kids together, live normally like others. I think I had enough of long distance relationship. 8 years is a long journey. I just have to be strong for one more year. Ya Allah, Please help me. Give me the strength that I need. Amin.

Dugaan kecil

Jumaat lepas aku terlibat dalam kemalangan. Kereta kami dilanggar oleh motorsikal dr arah belakang. Alhamdulillah, aku tak apa-apa cuma sedikit terkejut. Kesian pd penunggang motorsikal yg cedera di tapak tangan dan lutut. Alhamdulillah juga kerana dia tidak cedera teruk.
Kejadian berlaku sewaktu kami ingin pulang ke rumah. Singgah sebentar untuk mengambil tv yg baru dibeli aku. Di rumah sudah ada 2 tv. Satu di ruang tamu, dan satu di bilik kakak. Tapi aku masih perlu tv di bilik aku. Ya, kerana sunyi, aku memerlukan tv di dalam bilik sebagai peneman di waktu malam. Banyak benda sudah berubah. Aku tidak lagi boleh bergantung pd org lain dan perlu beri ruang pada diri sendiri dan org lain utk punya ruang sendiri.
Ku kira ini dugaan kecil setelah apa yg aku lalui beberapa bulan ini. Aku bersyukur kerana Allah masih sayangkan kami. Tidak berlaku byk mudharat. Hanya kerosakan material. Aku tahu Dia sayangkan aku dan kakak. Dan juga org2 yang terlibat. Sebagai peringatan kepada kami yg lalai. Untuk lebih beringat kepada-Nya. Tapi sebagai manusia, aku sedar aku masih lagi lalai.
Semoga Allah sentiasa melindungi kami dari segala malapetaka dan bahaya. Dan juga dari segala hasad dengki manusia, sihir, iblis, jin dan syaitan.
Kehidupan ini milik Allah. Daripada Dia kita dtg, dan kepada-Nya jua kita kembali. Semoga aku ditempatkan di dalam golongan org2 beriman dan sentiasa mendapat hidayah serta rahmat Allah. Aku tidak mahu mati di dalam kesesatan.

of love and commitment

I made my own record. I have been travelling alone to 9 cities in 4 countries for a week. That's a new record for me. Feel so exhausted at the end of the day but I am glad that I met almost every person that I loved back home.

I reached my objective that is to spend some quality time with them.

I didnt miss all of the important people in my life. I managed to spend some time with my husband, my parents, my brother, my in laws, my grandparents and few of my relatives. One week is not enough especially when you are in a different continent. The travelling period is the one that take so much of my time. Imagine flying around in 9 airplanes back and forth in a week. My husband made this statement: 'You are so international. Kalah bisnesman' :-)

Commitment is the word for this. I try to fullfill my commitment as a wife, daughter, sister, inlaw, grand-daughter, niece and aunt. I am glad that I did it. Nothing can replace the satisfaction that I had. To see the faces that I loved. To be with them. Now I'm back to my normal life as a student. That is another commitment to fulfill.

Show me some respect will you?

I know that I am kind of person who always giving to others and try to help as much as I can without asking for favour back. That is why people always take me for granted and always bullied me. All I asked is for them to respect me for what I am. That's all. I need my own space and time too. I am the one who is so soft hearted that allows other person to do whatever they want. Yeah, maybe it is my fault for not easily get angry or always giving face to others. I think my level of patience is quite high.
Keep me waiting for almost 2 hours is too much. Without feeling guilty? That is even worse. At least the word 'sorry' really mean something at this stage. Maybe my time is not as precious as others. I am just the ordinary unimportant person in their eyes. So why bother? And I am angry to myself that I still can take that. Maybe I should stand for myself in future.