Hampa hati jiwa merana..
air mata peneman duka...
Doa ku pohon semoga tenang...
Agar diri kembali girang...
Bukan emas intan kupinta...
Hanya masa mu sedikit cuma...
Walau terseksa ku tetap menunggu...
Semoga cintaku kembali bertamu...
Mengetuk pintu hatimu yang malap...
kerana kasih yang tidak digilap...
Kutabahkan hati kerana cinta..
Kerana dirimu begitu berharga!
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
simple and sweet
"....saja jek message sayang. Rindu." His sms later that evening really made my day. I always smile when I think of it. Sweet. Because I didn't expect it at all. Though he is so busy with his work, he took some of his time to ask about my day though earlier that day he told me this:
"abang rasa akan sibuk giler hari ni. Besok lepas balik keje abang call sayang la eh."
The above statement made me a bit sad cause I know I do not have a chance to 'manja-manja' and 'mengadu' about my day to him for that day. But I do not want him to see my dissappointment because I try to be supportive and understanding. Redha and be cool. That is what I am doing now. Being a malaysian doctor's wife especially when you are just a housemen or junior doctor really need lots and lots of patience and sacrifice. Especially when he is on duty (on-call). Previously, I always sulked for small matters or always want things to go my way. Always craving for his attentions and need to be pampered all the time. Yes, the spoil me. Those time has passed.Now with my new title as a doctor's wife, I try to adjust myself with his schedule and be more rational (note: I am quite an emotional person). We are changing the phase of our life from a student (note: previously we are both student. I considered myself as a student though I am on my study leave. He just starts working last August) to a serious working person with huge responsibilities waiting ahead.
Everyday I always looking forward to hear his voice or even received a short sms from him. When the phone is ringing with the tone 'you're my hunny bunch sugar plum...", automatically it will put a big smile on my face and I will answer it in a jovial manner. It is not that I cannot contact him at all, but most of the time he will asked me to call him back or he will call when he is free. So, I decided to wait for his call unless it is very urgent then only I will make the first move. Or when the romance is in the air that I just text him to let him know that I miss him so much. Sooner or later, I know he will reply it. :-).
Well,that's only a little piece of story with my long-distance lover. My dear husband.
Dear Abang, thank you for your time dear. I really appreciate that. Love you more each and everyday. :-)
Lots of love,
Sayang
"abang rasa akan sibuk giler hari ni. Besok lepas balik keje abang call sayang la eh."
The above statement made me a bit sad cause I know I do not have a chance to 'manja-manja' and 'mengadu' about my day to him for that day. But I do not want him to see my dissappointment because I try to be supportive and understanding. Redha and be cool. That is what I am doing now. Being a malaysian doctor's wife especially when you are just a housemen or junior doctor really need lots and lots of patience and sacrifice. Especially when he is on duty (on-call). Previously, I always sulked for small matters or always want things to go my way. Always craving for his attentions and need to be pampered all the time. Yes, the spoil me. Those time has passed.Now with my new title as a doctor's wife, I try to adjust myself with his schedule and be more rational (note: I am quite an emotional person). We are changing the phase of our life from a student (note: previously we are both student. I considered myself as a student though I am on my study leave. He just starts working last August) to a serious working person with huge responsibilities waiting ahead.
Everyday I always looking forward to hear his voice or even received a short sms from him. When the phone is ringing with the tone 'you're my hunny bunch sugar plum...", automatically it will put a big smile on my face and I will answer it in a jovial manner. It is not that I cannot contact him at all, but most of the time he will asked me to call him back or he will call when he is free. So, I decided to wait for his call unless it is very urgent then only I will make the first move. Or when the romance is in the air that I just text him to let him know that I miss him so much. Sooner or later, I know he will reply it. :-).
Well,that's only a little piece of story with my long-distance lover. My dear husband.
Dear Abang, thank you for your time dear. I really appreciate that. Love you more each and everyday. :-)
Lots of love,
Sayang
Monday, November 23, 2009
S.E.P.I
Last Sunday I watched Sepi again with my brother and sister in law. I love this movie. The songs, the storyline, the cinematography, the casts. Somehow the original soundtrack of this movie kinda relate with my story life. When I listened back to the whole song, I get carried away with my feelings. I can playback all those memories of sadness and sorrow and the bitter part of my love story and life. People have no idea what I have been going through. And I am quite sure not even my other half. I guess the distance make it worst. It is not his fault. Too bad for us for having long distance relationship. But I am still grateful with what I have. I know in this life we cant always get what we want. You gain some, you'll lose some. Though sometimes this situation is killing me, I can't be grateful enough to have a husband who loves me unconditionally. Though he doesnt always show it, I know that. Don't ask me how I knew it. Your hearts will tell you. I love him more than he loves me. I always tell him that. :-). Maybe because I am more romantic than him and the soft hearted type. I always wanted to cherish and spice up our love life. I love to express my love in every other way that I can. When you love someone so much, every single matter that related to him/her will affect you. Be it sad or happy. The tears always be my company. Yes, I am a drama queen. Drama queen of love. Sometimes I wonder if I ever get tired of getting his attention or maybe one day I will give up on trying to show my affection. What will happen then? Will the love still be the same? Will it be less or more? Only time will tell.
No matter how much you try to be 'perfect' for each other, sometimes things do not comes our way, we just have to be patient and try to understand each other more. Knowing each other for a long time doesnt mean that you know him inside out. People changed. I just hope the love will always be the same or if it change, let it grow rather than dying. Because I know I cannot live without him and his love. No matter how much pain it costs me, I will never stop loving him. I love you so much Abang...only God knows.
No matter how much you try to be 'perfect' for each other, sometimes things do not comes our way, we just have to be patient and try to understand each other more. Knowing each other for a long time doesnt mean that you know him inside out. People changed. I just hope the love will always be the same or if it change, let it grow rather than dying. Because I know I cannot live without him and his love. No matter how much pain it costs me, I will never stop loving him. I love you so much Abang...only God knows.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
PhD dan perasaan hasad dengki
Beradanya aku di sini kerana menyambung cita-cita dan harapan keluarga. PhD yang aku kejar kini hampir ke penghujungnya walaupun banyak lagi yang harus ku buat sebenarnya. Pelajaranku sedikit terganggu dan banyak kerja terbengkalai kerana masalah peribadi dan keluarga. Namun tiada siapa yang benar-benar tahu apa yang aku alami. Hanya Allah mengetahui segala jerit perih, suka duka dan kepayahan yang kulalui. Dugaan demi dugaan menguji aku yang kerdil ini. Banyak yang aku belajar sebenarnya. Bukan sekadar PhD yang ku tuntut selama ini, tetapi juga Perasaan Hasad Dengki manusia yang tak pernah surut.
" Ya Allah Ya Tuhan kami, jauhkanlah kami dari hasad dengki manusia, sihatkanlah kami sepanjang masa, tempatkanlah kami dalam golongan orang-orang beriman dan soleh...". Itu antara bait-bait doa ayah dalam bahasa melayu setiap kali usai solat. Tidak pernah berubah dari aku kecil dan doa yang sama kupanjatkan setiap kali selesai menunaikan tanggungjawapku sebagai orang islam. Dahulu, aku sering menganggap yang doa itu biasa-biasa sahaja. Tiada yang signifikan dalam kehidupan yang boleh ku kaitkan kerana aku selalu menganggap orang semua baik-baik belaka. Kini, aku mengerti mengapa ayah berdoa sebegitu. Memang hati manusia ini tidak dapat dijangka. Perasaan hasad dengki sentiasa ada. Sepanjang usiaku dan pengalaman yang ada, aku telah melalui satu episod yang agak suram. Begitu berat dugaan Allah. Berat mata memandang berat lagi bahu yang memikul. Dugaan ini lebih berat bagi insan-insan yang amat aku sayang. Menempuhi pengalaman bersama setiap detik membuatkan aku sering kecewa dan marah dengan insan-insan berhati busuk sebegini. Mahu menjadi Tuhan mungkin mereka ini. Tidak takut pada balasan Allah. Sanggup berbuat apa sahaja demi mencapai matlamat dan cita-cita. Kepuasan apa yang dicari? Apakah mereka merasakan dengan 'menyeksa' yang lain, kemenangan itu lebih manis? Alhamdulillah kami masih ada Allah dan yang membezakan sesama manusia itu imannya. Semoga Allah terus menetapkan iman kami dan terus memberikan hidayahNya.
Walau berat mana dugaan yang Allah beri, namun aku tahu, dugaan sebegini hanya untuk insan-insan yang terpilih. Selalu aku sematkan dalam hati, semua ini ada hikmahnya. Doa insan-insan teraniaya ini pasti didengarNya. Aku cuma berharap agar segala perbuatan mereka dibalas dunia. Kerana aku sudah tidak sanggup lagi melihat insan-insan yang aku sayangi ini terseksa dan merana. Dan aku juga sudah tidak betah untuk cemas sentiasa. Melewati setiap detik dan waktu dengan waspada.
Pengalaman pahit ini juga mengajar aku erti sebenar pengorbanan dan kasih sayang. Betapa seorang ayah ataupun ibu sanggup berbuat apa sahaja demi anak tersayang. Betapa kasih suami sanggup berkorban waktu dan apa sahaja demi isteri tercinta. Betapa kasih adik terhadap kakaknya yang sanggup berbuat apa sahaja demi meringankan beban yang ditanggung. Wang ringgit dan masa habis dikorbankan demi kebahagiaan bersama. Tiada siapa sanggup melihat insan tersayang menderita. Inilah nilai kekeluargaan yang dicipta bersama. Rasa susah tidak ada dalam kamus hidup kami kerana kesusahan yang ditanggung insan terpilih itu lebih tinggi skalanya.
Aku cuma berharap agar aku dapat mengutip semula kekuatan diri. Menjadi insan yang tabah dan cekal. Segala yang berlaku semua diatas kehendakNya. Pasti ada kelemahan dan kekurangan yang membuatkan dugaan ini datang kepada kami. Semoga Allah ampunkan dosa-dosa kami dan mendengar doa-doa kami.
Tiada apa yang lebih bermakna daripada ketenangan jiwa. Itu sebenarnya yang aku cari. Itu sebenarnya kekuranganku kini. Semoga ada sinar bahagia bagiku di bumi asing ini. Agar dapat kuteruskan perjuangan sehingga ke titisan yang terakhir.
" Ya Allah Ya Tuhan kami, jauhkanlah kami dari hasad dengki manusia, sihatkanlah kami sepanjang masa, tempatkanlah kami dalam golongan orang-orang beriman dan soleh...". Itu antara bait-bait doa ayah dalam bahasa melayu setiap kali usai solat. Tidak pernah berubah dari aku kecil dan doa yang sama kupanjatkan setiap kali selesai menunaikan tanggungjawapku sebagai orang islam. Dahulu, aku sering menganggap yang doa itu biasa-biasa sahaja. Tiada yang signifikan dalam kehidupan yang boleh ku kaitkan kerana aku selalu menganggap orang semua baik-baik belaka. Kini, aku mengerti mengapa ayah berdoa sebegitu. Memang hati manusia ini tidak dapat dijangka. Perasaan hasad dengki sentiasa ada. Sepanjang usiaku dan pengalaman yang ada, aku telah melalui satu episod yang agak suram. Begitu berat dugaan Allah. Berat mata memandang berat lagi bahu yang memikul. Dugaan ini lebih berat bagi insan-insan yang amat aku sayang. Menempuhi pengalaman bersama setiap detik membuatkan aku sering kecewa dan marah dengan insan-insan berhati busuk sebegini. Mahu menjadi Tuhan mungkin mereka ini. Tidak takut pada balasan Allah. Sanggup berbuat apa sahaja demi mencapai matlamat dan cita-cita. Kepuasan apa yang dicari? Apakah mereka merasakan dengan 'menyeksa' yang lain, kemenangan itu lebih manis? Alhamdulillah kami masih ada Allah dan yang membezakan sesama manusia itu imannya. Semoga Allah terus menetapkan iman kami dan terus memberikan hidayahNya.
Walau berat mana dugaan yang Allah beri, namun aku tahu, dugaan sebegini hanya untuk insan-insan yang terpilih. Selalu aku sematkan dalam hati, semua ini ada hikmahnya. Doa insan-insan teraniaya ini pasti didengarNya. Aku cuma berharap agar segala perbuatan mereka dibalas dunia. Kerana aku sudah tidak sanggup lagi melihat insan-insan yang aku sayangi ini terseksa dan merana. Dan aku juga sudah tidak betah untuk cemas sentiasa. Melewati setiap detik dan waktu dengan waspada.
Pengalaman pahit ini juga mengajar aku erti sebenar pengorbanan dan kasih sayang. Betapa seorang ayah ataupun ibu sanggup berbuat apa sahaja demi anak tersayang. Betapa kasih suami sanggup berkorban waktu dan apa sahaja demi isteri tercinta. Betapa kasih adik terhadap kakaknya yang sanggup berbuat apa sahaja demi meringankan beban yang ditanggung. Wang ringgit dan masa habis dikorbankan demi kebahagiaan bersama. Tiada siapa sanggup melihat insan tersayang menderita. Inilah nilai kekeluargaan yang dicipta bersama. Rasa susah tidak ada dalam kamus hidup kami kerana kesusahan yang ditanggung insan terpilih itu lebih tinggi skalanya.
Aku cuma berharap agar aku dapat mengutip semula kekuatan diri. Menjadi insan yang tabah dan cekal. Segala yang berlaku semua diatas kehendakNya. Pasti ada kelemahan dan kekurangan yang membuatkan dugaan ini datang kepada kami. Semoga Allah ampunkan dosa-dosa kami dan mendengar doa-doa kami.
Tiada apa yang lebih bermakna daripada ketenangan jiwa. Itu sebenarnya yang aku cari. Itu sebenarnya kekuranganku kini. Semoga ada sinar bahagia bagiku di bumi asing ini. Agar dapat kuteruskan perjuangan sehingga ke titisan yang terakhir.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Monolog sendiri
Hati ini kosong dan sunyi...
sepi..
fikiran buntu..
tiada teman bicara...
Kini, hanya Tuhan tempat mengadu...
Benarlah kata pepatah, kawan ketawa ramai sekali, kawan menangis seorg diri...
sepi..
fikiran buntu..
tiada teman bicara...
Kini, hanya Tuhan tempat mengadu...
Benarlah kata pepatah, kawan ketawa ramai sekali, kawan menangis seorg diri...
Monday, September 28, 2009
It is your choice
In life, opportunities come and go. You have to grab it while you can or you might lose it forever because sometimes it comes only once. We do not know what life can offer us in the future. We just have to pray and and work hard. We make decision, it is our choice and therefore we must be responsible in every decision that we made. We might regret it one day when it doesn't turn out to be as what we have expect it to be but we must take it positively. Life has ups and downs. Ok, maybe sometimes the decision is influence by others, but still, it is our choice at last. We might made stupid or not-so-wise decision but that will gives us something to learn and to move on.
I know I can't turn back time. There are so many 'if' questions in my mind. But I do not want to regret what I have gone through and achieved today. Let bygones be bygones. The experience is priceless though it sometimes giving me hard time. It make me stronger than before. To face any challenge. I know it shaped me to a different person now. There are few times when I am so down I just want to run far away from everybody and secluded myself. But that doesnt help me to less my burden. There are few times when I can't take it no more and feel numb, I just want to give up. But it won't solved the problem. I do not want to be a quiter. I want to be a role model to my family and children in the future. That is why it is so important to think and make wise decision in life. Because that would shaped what you will become today. What I learnt from the past, we need to seek for help when we are in trouble. Don't be ashamed to admit that you have problems and need help from others. As a muslim, pray to Allah is the best soul theraphy. He knows everything and He is the one that we should seek for guidance.
PhD is not easy. Being in long distance marriage is not easy. To take care of others at the same time is not easy. to juggle with work and life and other committment is not easy. But I always put a smiley face in front of others so that they think that everything goes well for me. No, it is not hypocrite. You just have to deal with everything wisely and not let others worried about you. Though it is good to share, but some things are too personal.
Now I just feel emotionally and physically drained. I'm just not sure how long I can hanging on in this situation. I have to suck everything and be positive. I need to be strong for others but me myself is not so stable at the moment. I hope Allah can give me guidance to get through all this. The truth is, this is too much for me at the moment.
Dear, I hope you can be strong for me too. If I can only give my spirit to you...
I know I can't turn back time. There are so many 'if' questions in my mind. But I do not want to regret what I have gone through and achieved today. Let bygones be bygones. The experience is priceless though it sometimes giving me hard time. It make me stronger than before. To face any challenge. I know it shaped me to a different person now. There are few times when I am so down I just want to run far away from everybody and secluded myself. But that doesnt help me to less my burden. There are few times when I can't take it no more and feel numb, I just want to give up. But it won't solved the problem. I do not want to be a quiter. I want to be a role model to my family and children in the future. That is why it is so important to think and make wise decision in life. Because that would shaped what you will become today. What I learnt from the past, we need to seek for help when we are in trouble. Don't be ashamed to admit that you have problems and need help from others. As a muslim, pray to Allah is the best soul theraphy. He knows everything and He is the one that we should seek for guidance.
PhD is not easy. Being in long distance marriage is not easy. To take care of others at the same time is not easy. to juggle with work and life and other committment is not easy. But I always put a smiley face in front of others so that they think that everything goes well for me. No, it is not hypocrite. You just have to deal with everything wisely and not let others worried about you. Though it is good to share, but some things are too personal.
Now I just feel emotionally and physically drained. I'm just not sure how long I can hanging on in this situation. I have to suck everything and be positive. I need to be strong for others but me myself is not so stable at the moment. I hope Allah can give me guidance to get through all this. The truth is, this is too much for me at the moment.
Dear, I hope you can be strong for me too. If I can only give my spirit to you...
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Berilah aku hidayah-Mu!
For the past few weeks I keep searching for the strength within me...it is not there..
I am falling apart...
My brain and inner soul is deteroriating...
I missed the old times where I am so naive and quite a good servant to Allah...I missed the good old days where I would recite the quran almost every single day and I love the feelings that I have when I do it....makes me feel so calm...and..I just can't describe it...my life has no worries...though I don't understand the meaning of it..every single words like a food to my soul...
as time goes by..I get busy with daily jobs...starting my career...starting my new life as a wife...I've been busy and sometimes too tired to search for the 'food' to my soul or recite the quran as I used to do...where resting is more important...where commitments chasing you every single day...where you just do you 5 times daily prayers just because you are obliged to do that as a muslim and not trying to get the 'sweetness' of it...
I know Allah has a better plan for me..it is just me who don't know what it is..I know He loves me...as He gives me the 'hidayah' to come back to Him when I am really in trouble right now...kerana Allah membukakan hati ku utk lebih beribadat pdNya...as I am fasting..and read the qurans for the past few weeks (which I rarely do these days and I hope it will be my routine from now on)...it gives me quite a relief...sedikit tenang dan kurang marah2...and that's why I didn't quarrel so much with my hubby...though sometimes I do cried silently...but I managed to control it and not let it burst in front of him as I don't want to create more scene..
Aku rasa aku sudah puas 'berjuang' menuntut hak ku...namun aku sudah dapat jawapannya...jika itu sahaja yang mampu diberikan padaku...aku redha...jika itu yg dikatakan adil...aku redha...semua yg ada hanya milik Allah dan dipinjamkan pdku...semoga Allah kuatkan hatiku untuk mencari redha itu...
Sebentar tadi sewaktu aku menaiki bas...melewati jalan-jalan yang pernah kulalui sewaktu aku mula-mula sampai di sini dahulu...buatkan aku merasa bersyukur kerana Allah telah membuka jalan untukku melihat dunia asing...rezeki yg diberikan bkn pd semua org yg mengharapkannya...namun aku kurang menghargainya kerana sering mengeluh akan susah dan masalah yang datang dgn pakejnya...saat teman memarahi ku sewaktu kunyatakan ingin berhenti dr semua ini...dia menyatakan tidak semua berpeluang sepertiku...sepatutnya aku bersyukur...dan gunakan apa yg ada sebaiknya..aku sedar yang aku menjadi hamba yg semakin kurang bersyukur...tidak nmpk ganjaran yg disediakan oleh-Nya di sebalik kesusahan yang diberi...aku tau aku hamba yang lemah..cepat melatah bila diuji...cepat bersedih bila keinginan tidak dituruti...Ya Allah...ampunilah dosaku..
And when I recalled back...It is so true that 'you get back what you offer'....Allah menarik sedikit demi sedikit nikmat yg diberi tanpa ku sedari kerana kelalaian dan keangkuhan sendiri...
Segala perancangan yang tidak menjadi....penyakit dan dugaan yang Allah turunkan...aku rasakan semuanya untuk menyedarkan aku yang kehidupan ini hanya sementara...dan nikmat Allah itu hanya milik Dia....tidak kekal...bila-bila sahaja boleh ditariknya....
kurang bersyukurkah aku?malu untuk mengakui bahawa aku kurang bersyukur tapi sebagai manusia yang daif...aku tahu kelemahan diri...memang aku kurang bersyukur nikmat yang Allah beri atau mungkin tidak menghargainya...terlalu banyak urusan dunia yang mengaburi mata dan memenuhi kehidupan seharianku...namun yang paling membuat aku sedih kerana aku rasakan Allah menarik sedikit demi sedikit nikmat iman yang diberikan...Astaghfirullah..nauzubillah...aku berdoa minta-minta Allah tidak menarik nikmat iman yang diberikan padaku....malah agar ditetapkan iman ini...sebagai muslimah sejati...aku mahu mati di dalam iman...khusyuk dan tawaduk pada-Nya...tuhan yang mencipta...Allahhuakbar!
Nasihat teman: Kembali la kepadaNya kerana segala yang berlaku datang dr DIA....buat la solat hajat dan tahajud...semoga Allah tunjukkan jalan...
Terima kasih sahabat. Hanya itu mampu ku ucapkan. Betapa itu jua yg kuperlukan saat ini. Saat emosi berperang dengan akal yang rasional. Saat jiwa berkecamuk dengan perasaan yang bercampur baur. Saat otak tidak dapat lagi berfikir yang mana benar dan mana salah. Buntu. Sememangnya aku buntu. Hati ini menangis dan aku pasti Allah mengetahui. InsyaAllah akan kucarikan jalan untuk menangani semua ini...
Semoga Allah sentiasa memberikan hidayah-Nya padaku...dan semoga nikmat iman ini berkekalan hingga ke akhirnya. Ya Allah...bantulah hambaMu ini! aku benar-benar mengharapkanMu. Hanya Kau yang mengetahui dan hanya Kau yang mengerti perasaan ini.
I am falling apart...
My brain and inner soul is deteroriating...
I missed the old times where I am so naive and quite a good servant to Allah...I missed the good old days where I would recite the quran almost every single day and I love the feelings that I have when I do it....makes me feel so calm...and..I just can't describe it...my life has no worries...though I don't understand the meaning of it..every single words like a food to my soul...
as time goes by..I get busy with daily jobs...starting my career...starting my new life as a wife...I've been busy and sometimes too tired to search for the 'food' to my soul or recite the quran as I used to do...where resting is more important...where commitments chasing you every single day...where you just do you 5 times daily prayers just because you are obliged to do that as a muslim and not trying to get the 'sweetness' of it...
I know Allah has a better plan for me..it is just me who don't know what it is..I know He loves me...as He gives me the 'hidayah' to come back to Him when I am really in trouble right now...kerana Allah membukakan hati ku utk lebih beribadat pdNya...as I am fasting..and read the qurans for the past few weeks (which I rarely do these days and I hope it will be my routine from now on)...it gives me quite a relief...sedikit tenang dan kurang marah2...and that's why I didn't quarrel so much with my hubby...though sometimes I do cried silently...but I managed to control it and not let it burst in front of him as I don't want to create more scene..
Aku rasa aku sudah puas 'berjuang' menuntut hak ku...namun aku sudah dapat jawapannya...jika itu sahaja yang mampu diberikan padaku...aku redha...jika itu yg dikatakan adil...aku redha...semua yg ada hanya milik Allah dan dipinjamkan pdku...semoga Allah kuatkan hatiku untuk mencari redha itu...
Sebentar tadi sewaktu aku menaiki bas...melewati jalan-jalan yang pernah kulalui sewaktu aku mula-mula sampai di sini dahulu...buatkan aku merasa bersyukur kerana Allah telah membuka jalan untukku melihat dunia asing...rezeki yg diberikan bkn pd semua org yg mengharapkannya...namun aku kurang menghargainya kerana sering mengeluh akan susah dan masalah yang datang dgn pakejnya...saat teman memarahi ku sewaktu kunyatakan ingin berhenti dr semua ini...dia menyatakan tidak semua berpeluang sepertiku...sepatutnya aku bersyukur...dan gunakan apa yg ada sebaiknya..aku sedar yang aku menjadi hamba yg semakin kurang bersyukur...tidak nmpk ganjaran yg disediakan oleh-Nya di sebalik kesusahan yang diberi...aku tau aku hamba yang lemah..cepat melatah bila diuji...cepat bersedih bila keinginan tidak dituruti...Ya Allah...ampunilah dosaku..
And when I recalled back...It is so true that 'you get back what you offer'....Allah menarik sedikit demi sedikit nikmat yg diberi tanpa ku sedari kerana kelalaian dan keangkuhan sendiri...
Segala perancangan yang tidak menjadi....penyakit dan dugaan yang Allah turunkan...aku rasakan semuanya untuk menyedarkan aku yang kehidupan ini hanya sementara...dan nikmat Allah itu hanya milik Dia....tidak kekal...bila-bila sahaja boleh ditariknya....
kurang bersyukurkah aku?malu untuk mengakui bahawa aku kurang bersyukur tapi sebagai manusia yang daif...aku tahu kelemahan diri...memang aku kurang bersyukur nikmat yang Allah beri atau mungkin tidak menghargainya...terlalu banyak urusan dunia yang mengaburi mata dan memenuhi kehidupan seharianku...namun yang paling membuat aku sedih kerana aku rasakan Allah menarik sedikit demi sedikit nikmat iman yang diberikan...Astaghfirullah..nauzubillah...aku berdoa minta-minta Allah tidak menarik nikmat iman yang diberikan padaku....malah agar ditetapkan iman ini...sebagai muslimah sejati...aku mahu mati di dalam iman...khusyuk dan tawaduk pada-Nya...tuhan yang mencipta...Allahhuakbar!
Nasihat teman: Kembali la kepadaNya kerana segala yang berlaku datang dr DIA....buat la solat hajat dan tahajud...semoga Allah tunjukkan jalan...
Terima kasih sahabat. Hanya itu mampu ku ucapkan. Betapa itu jua yg kuperlukan saat ini. Saat emosi berperang dengan akal yang rasional. Saat jiwa berkecamuk dengan perasaan yang bercampur baur. Saat otak tidak dapat lagi berfikir yang mana benar dan mana salah. Buntu. Sememangnya aku buntu. Hati ini menangis dan aku pasti Allah mengetahui. InsyaAllah akan kucarikan jalan untuk menangani semua ini...
Semoga Allah sentiasa memberikan hidayah-Nya padaku...dan semoga nikmat iman ini berkekalan hingga ke akhirnya. Ya Allah...bantulah hambaMu ini! aku benar-benar mengharapkanMu. Hanya Kau yang mengetahui dan hanya Kau yang mengerti perasaan ini.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Dreaming of you
I had a dreamed about you last night....
I woke up this morning with happy thoughts and a good mood...
I know my day will be great today...it is all because of you! :-)
I woke up this morning with happy thoughts and a good mood...
I know my day will be great today...it is all because of you! :-)
Tanpa..
Esok genap seminggu pemergianmu ke tanah suci mekah...
aku rindu...rindu untuk berbicara dan menatap wajahmu.....
kelmarin hanya sempat berbual sebentar...kerana kepalamu kepeningan...mungkin kerana kepenatan dan kepanasan cuaca di sana...
aku harap kau kuat dan sihat sepanjang mengerjakan ibadahmu..
Menerima mesej pesanan ringkas darimu amat menggembirakan hatiku...
Kerna perbezaan waktu yang amat besar...aku sendiri tidak tahu samada kau bangun atau tidur..samada kau sibuk beribadat atau tidak....samada kau sedang menziarah atau apa...
Berbunga-bunga hati ini menerima khabar tentang hari mu...tentang perjalananmu di sana..
Saat ini aku begitu rindu padamu....hanya Tuhan yang tahu betapa hati ini terseksa merinduimu...
Semoga engkau dipelihara Allah hendaknya...dan semoga perjalananmu dipermudahkan Dia...
Cepatlah pulang sayang....hati ini tidak sabar untuk melihatmu kembali..walau hanya di skrin empat segi ini...
Setiap detik dan waktu ku hitung...jika bisa ku putar waktu..akan ku cepatkan ia agar aku segera kembali ke dakapanmu...
Tanpa by The 6ixth sense
Resah yang ku ubah dalam kata
Melukiskan kesunyian
Tanpa engkau aku tak mengerti
Meski pagi itu indah
Tapi akan sunyi tanpamu
Menemani aku sepi
Tanpa cintamu aku resah
Tanpa kasihmu aku hampa
Tanpa dirimu aku mati
Kini berat benar kurasakan
Dalam relung hatiku tanpamu
Aku tak mengerti
Takut aku jauh dari dirimu
dan kau tinggalkan aku sendiri
tanpamu ku mati
Resah yang ku ubah dalam kata
Melukiskan kesunyian
Tanpa engkau aku tak mengerti
Tanpa cintamu aku resah
Tanpa kasihmu aku hampa
Tanpa dirimu aku mati......
aku rindu...rindu untuk berbicara dan menatap wajahmu.....
kelmarin hanya sempat berbual sebentar...kerana kepalamu kepeningan...mungkin kerana kepenatan dan kepanasan cuaca di sana...
aku harap kau kuat dan sihat sepanjang mengerjakan ibadahmu..
Menerima mesej pesanan ringkas darimu amat menggembirakan hatiku...
Kerna perbezaan waktu yang amat besar...aku sendiri tidak tahu samada kau bangun atau tidur..samada kau sibuk beribadat atau tidak....samada kau sedang menziarah atau apa...
Berbunga-bunga hati ini menerima khabar tentang hari mu...tentang perjalananmu di sana..
Saat ini aku begitu rindu padamu....hanya Tuhan yang tahu betapa hati ini terseksa merinduimu...
Semoga engkau dipelihara Allah hendaknya...dan semoga perjalananmu dipermudahkan Dia...
Cepatlah pulang sayang....hati ini tidak sabar untuk melihatmu kembali..walau hanya di skrin empat segi ini...
Setiap detik dan waktu ku hitung...jika bisa ku putar waktu..akan ku cepatkan ia agar aku segera kembali ke dakapanmu...
Tanpa by The 6ixth sense
Resah yang ku ubah dalam kata
Melukiskan kesunyian
Tanpa engkau aku tak mengerti
Meski pagi itu indah
Tapi akan sunyi tanpamu
Menemani aku sepi
Tanpa cintamu aku resah
Tanpa kasihmu aku hampa
Tanpa dirimu aku mati
Kini berat benar kurasakan
Dalam relung hatiku tanpamu
Aku tak mengerti
Takut aku jauh dari dirimu
dan kau tinggalkan aku sendiri
tanpamu ku mati
Resah yang ku ubah dalam kata
Melukiskan kesunyian
Tanpa engkau aku tak mengerti
Tanpa cintamu aku resah
Tanpa kasihmu aku hampa
Tanpa dirimu aku mati......
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Through the rain
When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you're distraught and in pain
Without anyone
We keep praying to saved
But nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can't
Find your way home
You can get there alone
It's okay
What you say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain
And if you keep falling down
Don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on
Step fastly
And you'll find what you need
To prepare
What you say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain
And when the wind moves
And shadows grow close
Don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And sure they tell you
You'll never pull through
Don't hesitate
Stay calm and sane
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain
I can make it through the rain
Can stand up once again
And I live one more day
And I'll make it through the rain
Ooh, yes, you can
Mmm...hmm...
You can make it through the rain
Thank you kakak for the song...I know you have faith in me...
Thank you kakak, abang, mama, ayah and abah for yesterday.........I won't make it without you guys....I really appreciate and thankful because you guys were there with me when I really need help......hanya Allah yg mengerti perasaan ini...dan semoga Allah membalas jasa kalian...
With nowhere to run
When you're distraught and in pain
Without anyone
We keep praying to saved
But nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can't
Find your way home
You can get there alone
It's okay
What you say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain
And if you keep falling down
Don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on
Step fastly
And you'll find what you need
To prepare
What you say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain
And when the wind moves
And shadows grow close
Don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And sure they tell you
You'll never pull through
Don't hesitate
Stay calm and sane
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain
I can make it through the rain
Can stand up once again
And I live one more day
And I'll make it through the rain
Ooh, yes, you can
Mmm...hmm...
You can make it through the rain
Thank you kakak for the song...I know you have faith in me...
Thank you kakak, abang, mama, ayah and abah for yesterday.........I won't make it without you guys....I really appreciate and thankful because you guys were there with me when I really need help......hanya Allah yg mengerti perasaan ini...dan semoga Allah membalas jasa kalian...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
new spirit and goal
I have not much time left here....I have to focus on my study....now it is the time for me to catch up and speed up with things that I left behind..I hope I can finish next year...Ya Allah, please help me...give me strength to face all this.
For the past one year....I've been taking care of others more than I care for myself...no wonder I almost thinking of quiting my phd because at one time I can' t take it anymore...too many distractions and a heavy responsibility to fulfill...
If they know me...they will know that I am the kind of person that will do anything for the one I love...I will sacrifice my time and energy for the one I love....just because I tak tahan to see them suffer or semuanya utk memudahkan mereka....I don't ask for any favour return...just understand my situation that I only have 2 hands and one body ...and I also have other responsibilities that sometimes I put aside just because of them..I always have this 'takpe' kind of attitude...mengalah pada yg lain...but in the end...sendiri yg susah jgk..takpela..Allah maha pengasih dan penyayang...Dia juga maha adil...I always have strong faith that anything good that we do...insyaAllah Allah balas yg baik2 juga...
too much time past by without me focusing on my studies...I am more focus to my family...cuti...dan cuti...for the past one year...I travelled a lot...to see the one I loved....to accompany the one I love....to be whatever they want me to be...so many decisions yg kdg2 it's not me who make the choice...terlalu byk dipengaruhi yg lain...but it's my fault who always obeyed to other's word..
So starting from now, I want to erase the 'holiday' for a while from my head....no more travelling until end of this year...I must be strong on this...if they want to see me....they have to come here..because I am dealing with my future....I have to be firm this time....it's ok to be selfish sometimes....
ok now, it's time to work! :-)
For the past one year....I've been taking care of others more than I care for myself...no wonder I almost thinking of quiting my phd because at one time I can' t take it anymore...too many distractions and a heavy responsibility to fulfill...
If they know me...they will know that I am the kind of person that will do anything for the one I love...I will sacrifice my time and energy for the one I love....just because I tak tahan to see them suffer or semuanya utk memudahkan mereka....I don't ask for any favour return...just understand my situation that I only have 2 hands and one body ...and I also have other responsibilities that sometimes I put aside just because of them..I always have this 'takpe' kind of attitude...mengalah pada yg lain...but in the end...sendiri yg susah jgk..takpela..Allah maha pengasih dan penyayang...Dia juga maha adil...I always have strong faith that anything good that we do...insyaAllah Allah balas yg baik2 juga...
too much time past by without me focusing on my studies...I am more focus to my family...cuti...dan cuti...for the past one year...I travelled a lot...to see the one I loved....to accompany the one I love....to be whatever they want me to be...so many decisions yg kdg2 it's not me who make the choice...terlalu byk dipengaruhi yg lain...but it's my fault who always obeyed to other's word..
So starting from now, I want to erase the 'holiday' for a while from my head....no more travelling until end of this year...I must be strong on this...if they want to see me....they have to come here..because I am dealing with my future....I have to be firm this time....it's ok to be selfish sometimes....
ok now, it's time to work! :-)
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
They have spoken
The decision has been made. Three against one. Of course la the majority win. Well, I guess I have to give up my passion to futsal. It's ok. Maybe sudah ditakdirkan yg aku tak main futsal kat sini. Byk masa lagi. Kalau larat besok, balik malaysia bole main dgn kawan2. Cuma bsk dah balik makin tua. Larat ke? And I think futsal tak sesuai utk golongan isteri dan ibu2. Hehe. Yela, kasar main dia. But believe me, once you try it, you're gonna love it. It is so much fun! I feel free and alive..and young. I know that it will be quite possible for me to play futsal in Malaysia. Oh well, we'll see about that later on.
It's just that I am a bit sad for letting this go...where I have the only opportunity...to do something good in my life..to be active..to socialize...to polish my skills in sports...to do something that I never had a chance during my schooldays (which is playing sports)....to represent the state ( I know my contribution is small but for me it is a good achievement)..I guess..people just don't see it the way I see it...and how bad I want to prove to myself that I can do this and I can be active in sports...
I guess I just stick to kaki bangku jek la...
It's just that I am a bit sad for letting this go...where I have the only opportunity...to do something good in my life..to be active..to socialize...to polish my skills in sports...to do something that I never had a chance during my schooldays (which is playing sports)....to represent the state ( I know my contribution is small but for me it is a good achievement)..I guess..people just don't see it the way I see it...and how bad I want to prove to myself that I can do this and I can be active in sports...
I guess I just stick to kaki bangku jek la...
Sunday, April 5, 2009
professional or selfish?
Last Friday I had so much fun playing futsal. This is my 2nd time. The first one is the fun one as we played it wearing a 'sarong'. hehe. Itu sukaneka. This time, I joined the team who are going to represent ACT in the NCG somewhere this year. I think it will be in July, Venue: Sydney. Only 9 girls turned up. I wanted to play this sport for a long time. Only had a chance here. However, one thing that makes me uncomfortable is the coach. I knew him. The fact that I know the 'truth' about this guy, makes me think twice to join the team again for the next practice. Diibaratkan diluah mati emak, ditelan mati bapak.
My husband and my mom advised me to quit. No more futsal! But I know deep down inside I want to play this sport as I enjoyed it soooo much. I can act normally. Neither him. Though both of us know what is the real deal. We're just being professional. Personal things must be put aside.
I want to play again but somehow I feel guilty to certain people (besides my mum and hubby). It's like that I am not supportive towards them or just being selfish to my needs. Well, you might say it is just a game. Well, for me, I am not that active who can play all type of sports.
I hope I can make a good decision out of this. Well, either me or somebody else has to sacrifice.
My husband and my mom advised me to quit. No more futsal! But I know deep down inside I want to play this sport as I enjoyed it soooo much. I can act normally. Neither him. Though both of us know what is the real deal. We're just being professional. Personal things must be put aside.
I want to play again but somehow I feel guilty to certain people (besides my mum and hubby). It's like that I am not supportive towards them or just being selfish to my needs. Well, you might say it is just a game. Well, for me, I am not that active who can play all type of sports.
I hope I can make a good decision out of this. Well, either me or somebody else has to sacrifice.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Having a baby
Out of nowhere, while doing my microscopy yesterday, I was thinking of trying to conceive before I finish my studies. Yes, I want to have a child. I've been married for 3 years ++ already. Due to the distance, mentality unstable, financial problem etc we have decided to have baby when I finish my studies (my husband is also a student when we get married). But since there are so many things happened that obscured my PhD journey, I can wait no longer. I will be too old then to have the first child (Maybe I am self-concious about the age). I must have child before I turn 30. SO next year is the year to do it. Hopefully next year, I can finish my studies on time. I hope that I can finish all the lab works by end of this year so that I only do write up in the last semester. I am a bit worried about the radiation from the microscope (which is I am not sure how it will affect my baby- must go check this out) as I've been working a lot with it.
It is good that my husband is already back in Malaysia. He will start his career soon and that will help in our financial situation.
The thing that worried me the most is my emotion. Can I take all the pressure by myself? Can I go through all the mom-to-be journey alone without husband by my side? I've been through it before. I don't like it. I had misscarriaged once. I was 3 months pregnant at that time. But back then I was too young and too dependant. I think I have evolved to a different person now. I can be independent, I am more stronger and more rational when dealing with my emotions, I am more active, more matured, and dare to try new things by myself now. Two years living abroad makes me a different person. A lot of things have changed. I am more confident with myself now.
It won't be so bad as I am planning to go back and forth while writing my thesis. But then, I am afraid it will affect the baby if I am travelling too much. It will be 8 hours flight and not only that. I have to take domestic flight too before going back to Malaysia. I have to take into accounts all of these matters.
Whatever it is, to start with, I have to make sure that my husband quit smoking. I want to have a healthy baby, a healthy husband and a healthy life. Next, I have to make sure I do all my work and finish it on time. It is time to get serious again. I want to be home as soon as possible and settling down with my husband. Have our own home, raising kids together, live normally like others. I think I had enough of long distance relationship. 8 years is a long journey. I just have to be strong for one more year. Ya Allah, Please help me. Give me the strength that I need. Amin.
It is good that my husband is already back in Malaysia. He will start his career soon and that will help in our financial situation.
The thing that worried me the most is my emotion. Can I take all the pressure by myself? Can I go through all the mom-to-be journey alone without husband by my side? I've been through it before. I don't like it. I had misscarriaged once. I was 3 months pregnant at that time. But back then I was too young and too dependant. I think I have evolved to a different person now. I can be independent, I am more stronger and more rational when dealing with my emotions, I am more active, more matured, and dare to try new things by myself now. Two years living abroad makes me a different person. A lot of things have changed. I am more confident with myself now.
It won't be so bad as I am planning to go back and forth while writing my thesis. But then, I am afraid it will affect the baby if I am travelling too much. It will be 8 hours flight and not only that. I have to take domestic flight too before going back to Malaysia. I have to take into accounts all of these matters.
Whatever it is, to start with, I have to make sure that my husband quit smoking. I want to have a healthy baby, a healthy husband and a healthy life. Next, I have to make sure I do all my work and finish it on time. It is time to get serious again. I want to be home as soon as possible and settling down with my husband. Have our own home, raising kids together, live normally like others. I think I had enough of long distance relationship. 8 years is a long journey. I just have to be strong for one more year. Ya Allah, Please help me. Give me the strength that I need. Amin.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Dugaan kecil
Jumaat lepas aku terlibat dalam kemalangan. Kereta kami dilanggar oleh motorsikal dr arah belakang. Alhamdulillah, aku tak apa-apa cuma sedikit terkejut. Kesian pd penunggang motorsikal yg cedera di tapak tangan dan lutut. Alhamdulillah juga kerana dia tidak cedera teruk.
Kejadian berlaku sewaktu kami ingin pulang ke rumah. Singgah sebentar untuk mengambil tv yg baru dibeli aku. Di rumah sudah ada 2 tv. Satu di ruang tamu, dan satu di bilik kakak. Tapi aku masih perlu tv di bilik aku. Ya, kerana sunyi, aku memerlukan tv di dalam bilik sebagai peneman di waktu malam. Banyak benda sudah berubah. Aku tidak lagi boleh bergantung pd org lain dan perlu beri ruang pada diri sendiri dan org lain utk punya ruang sendiri.
Ku kira ini dugaan kecil setelah apa yg aku lalui beberapa bulan ini. Aku bersyukur kerana Allah masih sayangkan kami. Tidak berlaku byk mudharat. Hanya kerosakan material. Aku tahu Dia sayangkan aku dan kakak. Dan juga org2 yang terlibat. Sebagai peringatan kepada kami yg lalai. Untuk lebih beringat kepada-Nya. Tapi sebagai manusia, aku sedar aku masih lagi lalai.
Semoga Allah sentiasa melindungi kami dari segala malapetaka dan bahaya. Dan juga dari segala hasad dengki manusia, sihir, iblis, jin dan syaitan.
Kehidupan ini milik Allah. Daripada Dia kita dtg, dan kepada-Nya jua kita kembali. Semoga aku ditempatkan di dalam golongan org2 beriman dan sentiasa mendapat hidayah serta rahmat Allah. Aku tidak mahu mati di dalam kesesatan.
Kejadian berlaku sewaktu kami ingin pulang ke rumah. Singgah sebentar untuk mengambil tv yg baru dibeli aku. Di rumah sudah ada 2 tv. Satu di ruang tamu, dan satu di bilik kakak. Tapi aku masih perlu tv di bilik aku. Ya, kerana sunyi, aku memerlukan tv di dalam bilik sebagai peneman di waktu malam. Banyak benda sudah berubah. Aku tidak lagi boleh bergantung pd org lain dan perlu beri ruang pada diri sendiri dan org lain utk punya ruang sendiri.
Ku kira ini dugaan kecil setelah apa yg aku lalui beberapa bulan ini. Aku bersyukur kerana Allah masih sayangkan kami. Tidak berlaku byk mudharat. Hanya kerosakan material. Aku tahu Dia sayangkan aku dan kakak. Dan juga org2 yang terlibat. Sebagai peringatan kepada kami yg lalai. Untuk lebih beringat kepada-Nya. Tapi sebagai manusia, aku sedar aku masih lagi lalai.
Semoga Allah sentiasa melindungi kami dari segala malapetaka dan bahaya. Dan juga dari segala hasad dengki manusia, sihir, iblis, jin dan syaitan.
Kehidupan ini milik Allah. Daripada Dia kita dtg, dan kepada-Nya jua kita kembali. Semoga aku ditempatkan di dalam golongan org2 beriman dan sentiasa mendapat hidayah serta rahmat Allah. Aku tidak mahu mati di dalam kesesatan.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
of love and commitment
I made my own record. I have been travelling alone to 9 cities in 4 countries for a week. That's a new record for me. Feel so exhausted at the end of the day but I am glad that I met almost every person that I loved back home.
I reached my objective that is to spend some quality time with them.
I didnt miss all of the important people in my life. I managed to spend some time with my husband, my parents, my brother, my in laws, my grandparents and few of my relatives. One week is not enough especially when you are in a different continent. The travelling period is the one that take so much of my time. Imagine flying around in 9 airplanes back and forth in a week. My husband made this statement: 'You are so international. Kalah bisnesman' :-)
Commitment is the word for this. I try to fullfill my commitment as a wife, daughter, sister, inlaw, grand-daughter, niece and aunt. I am glad that I did it. Nothing can replace the satisfaction that I had. To see the faces that I loved. To be with them. Now I'm back to my normal life as a student. That is another commitment to fulfill.
I reached my objective that is to spend some quality time with them.
I didnt miss all of the important people in my life. I managed to spend some time with my husband, my parents, my brother, my in laws, my grandparents and few of my relatives. One week is not enough especially when you are in a different continent. The travelling period is the one that take so much of my time. Imagine flying around in 9 airplanes back and forth in a week. My husband made this statement: 'You are so international. Kalah bisnesman' :-)
Commitment is the word for this. I try to fullfill my commitment as a wife, daughter, sister, inlaw, grand-daughter, niece and aunt. I am glad that I did it. Nothing can replace the satisfaction that I had. To see the faces that I loved. To be with them. Now I'm back to my normal life as a student. That is another commitment to fulfill.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Show me some respect will you?
I know that I am kind of person who always giving to others and try to help as much as I can without asking for favour back. That is why people always take me for granted and always bullied me. All I asked is for them to respect me for what I am. That's all. I need my own space and time too. I am the one who is so soft hearted that allows other person to do whatever they want. Yeah, maybe it is my fault for not easily get angry or always giving face to others. I think my level of patience is quite high.
Keep me waiting for almost 2 hours is too much. Without feeling guilty? That is even worse. At least the word 'sorry' really mean something at this stage. Maybe my time is not as precious as others. I am just the ordinary unimportant person in their eyes. So why bother? And I am angry to myself that I still can take that. Maybe I should stand for myself in future.
Keep me waiting for almost 2 hours is too much. Without feeling guilty? That is even worse. At least the word 'sorry' really mean something at this stage. Maybe my time is not as precious as others. I am just the ordinary unimportant person in their eyes. So why bother? And I am angry to myself that I still can take that. Maybe I should stand for myself in future.
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