Friday, November 27, 2009

Puisi duka

Hampa hati jiwa merana..
air mata peneman duka...
Doa ku pohon semoga tenang...
Agar diri kembali girang...

Bukan emas intan kupinta...
Hanya masa mu sedikit cuma...
Walau terseksa ku tetap menunggu...
Semoga cintaku kembali bertamu...
Mengetuk pintu hatimu yang malap...
kerana kasih yang tidak digilap...

Kutabahkan hati kerana cinta..
Kerana dirimu begitu berharga!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

simple and sweet

"....saja jek message sayang. Rindu." His sms later that evening really made my day. I always smile when I think of it. Sweet. Because I didn't expect it at all. Though he is so busy with his work, he took some of his time to ask about my day though earlier that day he told me this:

"abang rasa akan sibuk giler hari ni. Besok lepas balik keje abang call sayang la eh."

The above statement made me a bit sad cause I know I do not have a chance to 'manja-manja' and 'mengadu' about my day to him for that day. But I do not want him to see my dissappointment because I try to be supportive and understanding. Redha and be cool. That is what I am doing now. Being a malaysian doctor's wife especially when you are just a housemen or junior doctor really need lots and lots of patience and sacrifice. Especially when he is on duty (on-call). Previously, I always sulked for small matters or always want things to go my way. Always craving for his attentions and need to be pampered all the time. Yes, the spoil me. Those time has passed.Now with my new title as a doctor's wife, I try to adjust myself with his schedule and be more rational (note: I am quite an emotional person). We are changing the phase of our life from a student (note: previously we are both student. I considered myself as a student though I am on my study leave. He just starts working last August) to a serious working person with huge responsibilities waiting ahead.

Everyday I always looking forward to hear his voice or even received a short sms from him. When the phone is ringing with the tone 'you're my hunny bunch sugar plum...", automatically it will put a big smile on my face and I will answer it in a jovial manner. It is not that I cannot contact him at all, but most of the time he will asked me to call him back or he will call when he is free. So, I decided to wait for his call unless it is very urgent then only I will make the first move. Or when the romance is in the air that I just text him to let him know that I miss him so much. Sooner or later, I know he will reply it. :-).

Well,that's only a little piece of story with my long-distance lover. My dear husband.

Dear Abang, thank you for your time dear. I really appreciate that. Love you more each and everyday. :-)

Lots of love,
Sayang

Monday, November 23, 2009

Yuni Shara - Sepi (Official Music Video)

This song relates with my lifestory..

S.E.P.I

Last Sunday I watched Sepi again with my brother and sister in law. I love this movie. The songs, the storyline, the cinematography, the casts. Somehow the original soundtrack of this movie kinda relate with my story life. When I listened back to the whole song, I get carried away with my feelings. I can playback all those memories of sadness and sorrow and the bitter part of my love story and life. People have no idea what I have been going through. And I am quite sure not even my other half. I guess the distance make it worst. It is not his fault. Too bad for us for having long distance relationship. But I am still grateful with what I have. I know in this life we cant always get what we want. You gain some, you'll lose some. Though sometimes this situation is killing me, I can't be grateful enough to have a husband who loves me unconditionally. Though he doesnt always show it, I know that. Don't ask me how I knew it. Your hearts will tell you. I love him more than he loves me. I always tell him that. :-). Maybe because I am more romantic than him and the soft hearted type. I always wanted to cherish and spice up our love life. I love to express my love in every other way that I can. When you love someone so much, every single matter that related to him/her will affect you. Be it sad or happy. The tears always be my company. Yes, I am a drama queen. Drama queen of love. Sometimes I wonder if I ever get tired of getting his attention or maybe one day I will give up on trying to show my affection. What will happen then? Will the love still be the same? Will it be less or more? Only time will tell.



No matter how much you try to be 'perfect' for each other, sometimes things do not comes our way, we just have to be patient and try to understand each other more. Knowing each other for a long time doesnt mean that you know him inside out. People changed. I just hope the love will always be the same or if it change, let it grow rather than dying. Because I know I cannot live without him and his love. No matter how much pain it costs me, I will never stop loving him. I love you so much Abang...only God knows.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

PhD dan perasaan hasad dengki

Beradanya aku di sini kerana menyambung cita-cita dan harapan keluarga. PhD yang aku kejar kini hampir ke penghujungnya walaupun banyak lagi yang harus ku buat sebenarnya. Pelajaranku sedikit terganggu dan banyak kerja terbengkalai kerana masalah peribadi dan keluarga. Namun tiada siapa yang benar-benar tahu apa yang aku alami. Hanya Allah mengetahui segala jerit perih, suka duka dan kepayahan yang kulalui. Dugaan demi dugaan menguji aku yang kerdil ini. Banyak yang aku belajar sebenarnya. Bukan sekadar PhD yang ku tuntut selama ini, tetapi juga Perasaan Hasad Dengki manusia yang tak pernah surut.

" Ya Allah Ya Tuhan kami, jauhkanlah kami dari hasad dengki manusia, sihatkanlah kami sepanjang masa, tempatkanlah kami dalam golongan orang-orang beriman dan soleh...". Itu antara bait-bait doa ayah dalam bahasa melayu setiap kali usai solat. Tidak pernah berubah dari aku kecil dan doa yang sama kupanjatkan setiap kali selesai menunaikan tanggungjawapku sebagai orang islam. Dahulu, aku sering menganggap yang doa itu biasa-biasa sahaja. Tiada yang signifikan dalam kehidupan yang boleh ku kaitkan kerana aku selalu menganggap orang semua baik-baik belaka. Kini, aku mengerti mengapa ayah berdoa sebegitu. Memang hati manusia ini tidak dapat dijangka. Perasaan hasad dengki sentiasa ada. Sepanjang usiaku dan pengalaman yang ada, aku telah melalui satu episod yang agak suram. Begitu berat dugaan Allah. Berat mata memandang berat lagi bahu yang memikul. Dugaan ini lebih berat bagi insan-insan yang amat aku sayang. Menempuhi pengalaman bersama setiap detik membuatkan aku sering kecewa dan marah dengan insan-insan berhati busuk sebegini. Mahu menjadi Tuhan mungkin mereka ini. Tidak takut pada balasan Allah. Sanggup berbuat apa sahaja demi mencapai matlamat dan cita-cita. Kepuasan apa yang dicari? Apakah mereka merasakan dengan 'menyeksa' yang lain, kemenangan itu lebih manis? Alhamdulillah kami masih ada Allah dan yang membezakan sesama manusia itu imannya. Semoga Allah terus menetapkan iman kami dan terus memberikan hidayahNya.

Walau berat mana dugaan yang Allah beri, namun aku tahu, dugaan sebegini hanya untuk insan-insan yang terpilih. Selalu aku sematkan dalam hati, semua ini ada hikmahnya. Doa insan-insan teraniaya ini pasti didengarNya. Aku cuma berharap agar segala perbuatan mereka dibalas dunia. Kerana aku sudah tidak sanggup lagi melihat insan-insan yang aku sayangi ini terseksa dan merana. Dan aku juga sudah tidak betah untuk cemas sentiasa. Melewati setiap detik dan waktu dengan waspada.

Pengalaman pahit ini juga mengajar aku erti sebenar pengorbanan dan kasih sayang. Betapa seorang ayah ataupun ibu sanggup berbuat apa sahaja demi anak tersayang. Betapa kasih suami sanggup berkorban waktu dan apa sahaja demi isteri tercinta. Betapa kasih adik terhadap kakaknya yang sanggup berbuat apa sahaja demi meringankan beban yang ditanggung. Wang ringgit dan masa habis dikorbankan demi kebahagiaan bersama. Tiada siapa sanggup melihat insan tersayang menderita. Inilah nilai kekeluargaan yang dicipta bersama. Rasa susah tidak ada dalam kamus hidup kami kerana kesusahan yang ditanggung insan terpilih itu lebih tinggi skalanya.

Aku cuma berharap agar aku dapat mengutip semula kekuatan diri. Menjadi insan yang tabah dan cekal. Segala yang berlaku semua diatas kehendakNya. Pasti ada kelemahan dan kekurangan yang membuatkan dugaan ini datang kepada kami. Semoga Allah ampunkan dosa-dosa kami dan mendengar doa-doa kami.

Tiada apa yang lebih bermakna daripada ketenangan jiwa. Itu sebenarnya yang aku cari. Itu sebenarnya kekuranganku kini. Semoga ada sinar bahagia bagiku di bumi asing ini. Agar dapat kuteruskan perjuangan sehingga ke titisan yang terakhir.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Monolog sendiri

Hati ini kosong dan sunyi...
sepi..
fikiran buntu..
tiada teman bicara...
Kini, hanya Tuhan tempat mengadu...
Benarlah kata pepatah, kawan ketawa ramai sekali, kawan menangis seorg diri...